photo of a nude woman with wings by a rock photo art by adam white model phoebe thomasson

The Shame & Redemption Barrier; Post Meltdown Review & Self Analysis, or “I am OK with being vulnerable”

I feel like I’ve been a caged animal, hemmed in by too much love and mismatched desire.

I have fully understood for the need to create sufficient space for myself to digest and percolate on the issues of the day.

I had gone from nothing to everything in a very short space of time.

  • Why am I so impatient?
  • I must work on being more patient!
  • Affirmation: I am infinite patience!
  • Patience creates space
  • Space is desirable

It helps when I feel that things are not drastic.

During drastic periods I get very paranoid and urgent.

I want to offload and dump information at other’s feet. I do it in such a way they have little choice but to come along for the ride.

  • I think I am an energy bully.
  • I am a recovering bully.
  • I forgive the bullies!

I was bullied at school and it is time to do some cleansing work on the earlier periods of my life.

It is time for me to reconnect with my innocence again.

This is shrouded from view at the most stressful moments and that shield prevents positive movement.

a man sits by the window with a mask of his face in his hands photo artistry by adam white
Letting go of the old face to reveal a new found peace

The moment I am able to let down my shields, more and more quickly I see the swift return of my soft vulnerable side.

By now I have been through enough (don’t stop till you get enough!!) and am more resillient to shame than ever before and this is a really good thing!

Next Week:

I know I am avoiding hard work. Why is this?

Find out in the next instalment whether I pull off my next project with ease or not at all!

Have You Met The Barefoot Doctor? You Should!

Barefoot Doctor MMMMM

statue-of-taoist-master.jpg (338×450)

A long time ago and far away – around 658BC in Hunan Province to be precise – The Duke of Wen went to see Lao Tsu, purported great grandaddy of the Taoist way, and said, “Lao, your reputation for supreme wisdom goes before you and I have traveled far to seek your advice. I have conquered much territory and have established peace in the lands I rule. But inner peace eludes me. I have meditated. I have done Tai Chi but still it eludes me. What is the secret?” ……..read more

WuWei.jpg (1017×1600)

a seated woman bare backed flows electric blue white light through head chakra from divine light into the white floor of blank canvas room in which energy is poured like water. a creative word and picture by pt phoebe thomasson uk artist shamanic iconic images of art and photography blended by adam white photography dorset dorchester uk england western art painting photo blend on photoshop genius love and peace.

Love, Light & Chakras: I am not Normal Norma after all and I’m very fine with that…

Cor blimey…I am buzzing so much I may fall over with exhaustion in a minute.

I’ve just been for the most amazing energy healing and have had my Chakras cleaned. You could say I’ve been to the psychic cleaners, but you might take that the wrong way.

It’s taken me a long time to go near energy work, having had some weird experiences in the past with…um….energy. It’s funny how we can have fear and resistance to our own experience of life, especially if it doesn’t fit with the ‘norm’.

And what the fuck is that? The NORM?

I think the norm is short for Norma…..Norma Normal. She’s nice enough but she’s a bit ….dull.

I’ve never been happy with dullness. Crickey, we have enough dullness in the UK with almost year round cloud cover, non existent summers and grey concrete. We seriously don’t need any more dull here thanks very much.

So I’ve finally realised that I am a being of light and love and it’s my job to shine.

Simple.

I am not Normal Norma after all and I’m very fine with that.

a blue hand exuding rays of golden and rainbow light by artist phoebe thomasson

Difficult Things Make Great Stories

I’m not sure what the story is yet. It’s all been somewhat of a blur.

Things have been shifted by my new sense of urgency to do some deep healing work. I’ve been lucky enough to do some EFT (emotional freedom technique) with a friend that took me into some deep past.

I’ve been doing more yin yoga and stretching my body. This helps to bring shit up from the depths of the meridians for assessment and release.

I have been doing some classical yoga techniques, like trying to write my life story and chakra visualisations.

I’ve been doing loads of candid communication with my partner.

This kind of stuff isn’t for the faint hearted.

I was up till past five this morning sorting out the near dissolution of my primary relationship. Finding a way through the morass of created doubt and fear, as I blindly push my way to freedom.

It’s a rocky journey. We all need help and support. Why did it take me so long to ask for it.

I am accepting more than ever about myself…it’s a work in progress; always is.

a dark and brooding face appears patterned with dull colour third eye is very active model phoebe thomasson photo art by adam white photography dorset uk 2015

Here it is again….Low Pressure: A Poem “Black Dog and The Widow”

This pain, not physical so no one can see
it’s why I wear a glum face for lunch
depression my guest today
welcome in I say
I feel I have no choice
but to let her in and have her way
the black dog
comes and throws up
over the carpet
barking at me the details
of how sad my life is
no recourse to the facts
are they the real reality anyway?
I cannot tell
the black dog is large
and taking up all my attention
I am angry but feel powerless
drained of vitality
it only took thirty minutes to arrive
destination overcast
when outside the sun beats
spring cool breeze coiling
I should feel happy
shouldn’t I?
the black dog looks up
her owner I spy in the corner
she’s dressed in black
perennial widow of the world
she’s the voice and persona
of scornful mourning
beyond reasoning
she laughs and agrees
yes your world is so sad
so sad you shall be.
 
No! I think
I run to the computer
my thoughts ordered by print
it’s logic that I need
she leaves sashaying
whistle between teeth
black dog follows
leaving a small pile of hair
on the sofa.
 
Gone, for now
she’ll be back
with black
am I prepared?

P. Thomasson
11th April 2015

Minimalism & Meditation

From my series “Art & Healing”. Today I talk about how meditation can serve us both creatively and personally in every dimension of our lives.

Watch time: 5.26

Today’s ToDo’s: Bullet Proof Formula for Zen-ness

The back-story to this post is that I was journalling ways to deal with my frequent bouts of ‘frantic’ energy. You know what I mean…getting on your horse and riding off in all directions. Here’s what I journalled for myself. Perhaps it will resonate with you too….deep breath!

Question: How do I maintain momentum in a sustainable way?

  1. Pace the activity:- go slower and leave more space in-between individual actions. Breathe more whilst you do this.

  2. Allow gaps in time to extend:- like doing mini-meditations, suspend the mind and merely focus on the breath. Sit still and  allow a stare to happen into space or onto a point or object. How far out can you get? Play with your stare. What’s behind it?

  3. Channel the tension:- don’t try to change it or escape it. Observe and imagine where it might go instead. Sit with it and feel it’s texture or find it’s colour.

  4. Imagine and decide:- make decisions on where you want that tension to go. Ask yourself what part of our life would benefit from more tension? NB: Remember without ‘optimal’ tension, a bridge would be useless. Imagine where that bridge might be for you?

  5. Find your treasure:- finding something shiny and sparkly in the dirt should excite you. If we can find those things, and recognise when we are finding them let us not overlook the experience. Hold onto the sparkle with conscious intent for a few moments and take on board it’s vibration. Absorb it’s frequency and get a little higher.

Art & Healing Video: Brief Introduction by Phoebe

Hello! It’s time to meet you and give you an idea from whence I come, what I am about and what I want to cover in my Art & Healing video diaries. I can’t promise any regularity but there will be more videos along the way as I can find little windows; as you may know, I’m a busy mum recovering from ME/CFS…so hang with me a minute and see how I am healing my world.

“Healing is deeply needed in the world right now, and art is an extremely powerful way to make that happen; it’s very enjoyable, and anyone can do it!”

Phoebe Thomasson

Watch time: 4.52

a face is obscured by black shards mixed media collage by uk contemporary artist phoebe thomasson

The Silent Killer; Get Down You Inner Censor….

The inner censor is the killer on the loose in our psyches.

How do we know it’s there?… Well we don’t to start with, but if you have tried to be consistently creative and failed to keep up stamina then it might be that, like me you suffer from a strict inner censor.

The censor is very much alive in the outer world at the moment. I won’t go into it because either you know what I’m talking about because you listen to the news and it’s not my focus here.

The inner censor is the real enemy and the outer manifestation is the proof that the energy is alive and kicking in our culture.

Why does the censor do what it does? Why does it kill the creative impulse?

Because it hates imperfection. Because it loathes chaos. Because it detests the uncontrollable.

Any time we have an idea that we just can’t do something about may be a symptom that the censor is in control. The gateway is very narrow if the censor is in command as it is a mean gatekeeper that only allows the acceptable through. It has a long list of what is acceptable, but an even longer one of that which isn’t.

In the creative life we need to channel the crap as well as the good stuff. This is for the creative zone where putting our thoughts on paper is a safety net for our fears. What we do with it afterwards is another matter but unless we can get it through the gates in the first place is a matter of re-education.

We need to gently take the censor to one side and give it a bribe.

If you let more through the gates, I promise, the quality and standard of my work will improve and increase in ways you never thought possible. Do me a favour mate and look the other way when I have a crappy idea. I can’t get to the good stuff hiding underneath unless you let this through.

The censor will probably consider this a feasible option. Just make sure you make it work for its living and don’t let it rule the roost.

You’re in charge!

image of a mans face with slightly deranged eyes title fragile brain pen and ink sketch with words by uk contemporary artist phoebe thomasson

It may be Hellish, but at least I’m here!

Recovery isn’t all about getting better. It’s also about adjusting, changing, accepting and releasing. We can need multiple processes to happen before we start to feel better in the way we desire to.

Just to give you an idea how this applies in the real world here is an insight into my current little drama.

Somehow, due to numerous factors I’ve manage to put my back out good and proper. I’ve been to the chiropractor and there is a loosening in process. I think in terms of blocked energy because after years of practical healing and recovery from multiple things, I now know it counts, and is real. Think life force/prana/chi or whatever vibes with you.

OK. So I identified my little psychological process that has been activated into my awareness. Here it is and goes something like this.

  • long term illness means you are cut off from previous modes of functioning.
  • we adjust our world accordingly and create our own alternatives.
  • life becomes a reflection of our ‘own little world’.
  • we recover! yay!
  • we come up against the need to ‘re-enter’ the rest of the world or the ‘real’ version of it.
  • we resist because we quite like it here.
  • we know this world and have lost the ability to be anything else so why not just stay?
  • we create something else to distract us from the growth process.
  • more pain!
  • yay! pain works a treat…it’s a different part of the body which is quite a change, I think I can continue to be dysfunctional after all!
  • Wait a minute! did I just say that?
  • Goddam it…I’m going to beat this things too!
  • And so we strive….

Onward we go and heal the next malady. But did we stop to consider why we create all this hassle? Here’s one perspective, for when you are into having a philosophical musing…

I believe illness teaches us more about compassion, resilience, tenacity, honesty, strength, weakness, reaching out, friends, loved ones, family, challenges, love, life and humanity than being a super-I-never-get-sick kind of guy ever will.

My dad was one of those and within a year he was dead with Cancer.

I’m ok with my bad back thanks…at least I’m alive.