image of a mans face with slightly deranged eyes title fragile brain pen and ink sketch with words by uk contemporary artist phoebe thomasson

It may be Hellish, but at least I’m here!

Recovery isn’t all about getting better. It’s also about adjusting, changing, accepting and releasing. We can need multiple processes to happen before we start to feel better in the way we desire to.

Just to give you an idea how this applies in the real world here is an insight into my current little drama.

Somehow, due to numerous factors I’ve manage to put my back out good and proper. I’ve been to the chiropractor and there is a loosening in process. I think in terms of blocked energy because after years of practical healing and recovery from multiple things, I now know it counts, and is real. Think life force/prana/chi or whatever vibes with you.

OK. So I identified my little psychological process that has been activated into my awareness. Here it is and goes something like this.

  • long term illness means you are cut off from previous modes of functioning.
  • we adjust our world accordingly and create our own alternatives.
  • life becomes a reflection of our ‘own little world’.
  • we recover! yay!
  • we come up against the need to ‘re-enter’ the rest of the world or the ‘real’ version of it.
  • we resist because we quite like it here.
  • we know this world and have lost the ability to be anything else so why not just stay?
  • we create something else to distract us from the growth process.
  • more pain!
  • yay! pain works a treat…it’s a different part of the body which is quite a change, I think I can continue to be dysfunctional after all!
  • Wait a minute! did I just say that?
  • Goddam it…I’m going to beat this things too!
  • And so we strive….

Onward we go and heal the next malady. But did we stop to consider why we create all this hassle? Here’s one perspective, for when you are into having a philosophical musing…

I believe illness teaches us more about compassion, resilience, tenacity, honesty, strength, weakness, reaching out, friends, loved ones, family, challenges, love, life and humanity than being a super-I-never-get-sick kind of guy ever will.

My dad was one of those and within a year he was dead with Cancer.

I’m ok with my bad back thanks…at least I’m alive.


Adam Ant & The Yellow Hopie; The Story of How I Discovered a New Inner Character…

Adam Ant & The Yellow Hopie; The Story of How I Discovered a New Inner Character….

Out = pouring

Out = pouring

Like an orgasm
The mind bubbles up
Dark and sincere
It blinds us
With it’s incessant
Crying about this
And that…
Just look at the colours
And ignore it.

Are you up to date with your universal email?

Downloading to a brain near you.
Downloading to a brain near you.

We have to take the power back.

For our minds, hearts and bodies. To integrate every system of thought and every healing modality will be to take the first steps to illumination of the great potential of the human being. To integrate ourselves with the many paths available and tracked out for us, from energy medicine to yoga to herbalism we must be free to follow our hearts desires and our body’s promptings at any given moment.

Like a hunter tracking his prey, we must become adept at reading our own signals, signs and signposts. some are deeply hidden in the undergrowth from tracks long overgrown, once known.

To heal is a journey of discovery of the Self. The greater part of us that knows things beyond our day to day reckonings and dramas, and that lives in the dreamtime, the land of no-time, no-past, no-future.

Sounds weird doesn’t it, but you know what I’m talking about, if you let go of the part of you that thinks it doesn’t. It’s a state of suspended disbelief into a state of recognition, to cognition, to knowing.

Healing is not a myth

It is a dynamic bypass of quantum proportions. It is the circumvention of all that you hereto know. All you think you know, in this realm is a limitation on your ability to heal. To anneal the parts of you that are ailing, in any dimension, large or small, you must know that there is an ever evolving pathway of information leading you to the next phase, the next piece of the puzzle if you like.

It is like the data stream of a Wi-Fi network, feeding bits of information to the receiving hardware. In this case the hardware is the body.

Currently, many of us are still running on analogue information, old data and un-useful rubbish that we use as our constant comfort blanket. When we decide to go digital, or more accurately, quantum, then we can see real results.

Our bodies are actually far in advance of any machinery currently invented so when I say quantum, I mean at the speed of thought.

Now for many, these concepts are way too leftfield to be of use, but that is the risk of speaking out. To not speak out risks those who are ready for updates being left wanting. That’s hardly likely in our present culture as the rate of information ingestion is phenomenal, but I wonder how much of it is actually useful, once you have learned to switch on your quantum data stream?; after all you will be receiving current universal updates on a daily basis, if you meditate that is….

If you don’t meditate, it might sink in a bit slower but the info will always be there for you if you are attracting it. Think a million unread messages in your inbox.

Meditation is like the act of reading your universal email

So, next time you feel stuck. Sit there and do nothing but do the most important something in your toolkit.

Learn meditation. It will tell you everything you need to know; you’ve just got to get through those emails.

Thus ends my first treatise on the development of your very own, customised Rainbow Medicine Kit.

Just remember, one important thing; It’s free…don’t let them charge you for it!

Go be a rainbow.

Time to get serious…kick ass healing blog post coming right up….

Natural Born Killers
Natural Born Killers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


Well, I’ve had just about enough of this human condition! Illness can go and kiss my butt. I am done with being ill and all the associated shit that seems to tag along for the ride!

I see it everywhere I turn, in everyone I meet…what’s this?

‘Oh just another self imposed, unconscious, unexamined prison of a belief system that I’ve inherited from my Great-Great Grandmother that I don’t even know is ruining my very existence, but that I’ve come to see as ‘part of who I am’ because, you know, it’s been around so damn long that I kind of like it; like a stinky blanket that I’ve had since being a baby that I don’t want to wash -ever- because I’m scared it will fall to pieces….

‘Anyway it’s a family heirloom, and it’s part of the fabric of my miserable existence……so?’


So. I say quite methodically to ‘it’, embodied by overprotective ‘me’….no way!

Just like that…


‘No can do! Can’t do it to myself anymore. Vamoosh you limiting thought form, you rotton belief system, you….’.

I could be so much ruder if my manners and morals would allow…So, do it! Get rude, get nasty…

‘I…I….say to you you perforated piece of w***y belief system….’ not bad.

‘Go to H*** !!!!!’

Hmmmm, feelin it now, yeah….

Polietly, she tells her thought forms to go to hell and she imagines something like the scene out of Natural Born Killers as she hurls virtual light bullets through her machine gun of razor sharp realisation that without this ceremonial killing of the old, standing on tables and all for maximum dramatic effect, nothing will change!

No Thing Will Change!


What? Exactly. Without this destruction of that which is now defunct, she can no longer proceed along her path. This has to happen.

Thankfully, it’s all in her mind…..

Just like they said….


a doodle with scribbles and outlines of my boys feet with cartoon character colourful collaboration by phoebe thomasson and ewan

Beneath my feet…The Changing Landscape of No Shoes!

I’m loving my new birthday shoes …and here’s a few reasons why you should love yours more too.

One of the most surprising discoveries I’ve made is that going barefoot more often is helping me to regulate my overall body temperature which tends to be up and down as I battle with hormones and fatigue. Because the feet are in contact with the coldest air at ground level, it not only makes me put more clothes on my body when it’s cold but there is a quicker and more efficient feedback system so they are sensing the cold before it reaches my body.

They make me feel grounded and in contact with the earth, even when I’m on a lino floor with concrete beneath it I can feel the hot pipes that run below the kitchen floor and the cold of the stone tiles in the bathroom, the warm wooden stairs and the different carpet pile around the house. I can step on a coconut mat and appreciate the spiky foot rub that I get, and the other day I walked down the road in the rain, barefoot, just to see if I could. Don’t laugh! It’s that rough tarmac with tiny stones that got stuck to my feet and I may as well have walked on hot coals!

Shows how tender my feet are, but they are improving. As for the British weather in November, I am becoming more hardy to it as a result of my intentional non shoe and sock wearing, wherever possible. Of course when I am freezing and I want to warm up fast I put my slipper socks on or even just thin ones do the job now, where before I was always wearing thick layers on my feet as I thought I should, and I was always swinging from cold to hot, a lot! So, in a nut shell, this barefoot thing is now so comfortable and comforting to me that I hardly think about it. Its great! The other day I went out in full winter coat, scarf, hat and gloves and sandals! It was strangely exhilarating. Ok my toes were numb for a bit but one walk through a shop doorway with all that heat spewing out and they were toasty and flowing with energy! Wow!
The other great thing is I’ve started running again. But that’s another post waiting to happen.
Gonna take my birthday shoes off to bed.
Tee Hee. See what I did there?

a purple feather glows with power amidst a smoky blue background the representation of freedom original painting by uk artist phoebe thomasson

Light as a feather…well nearly…

Yay! I’ve got about eight or nine carrier bags all taped up (important tip for de-clutterers) by the door and ready to go to the charity shop tomorrow. It was tough but the moon was obviously in the right place because it was possible.

Many days I just go into a needy daze of attachment and can’t bring myself to get rid of anything. My nan (who lives with us now) commented on my endeavours saying I wouldn’t have anything left. I couldn’t explain how wrong she was. Not only have I got a tonne more clothing I’ve actually got some space too! ha!

Even my friend has got on the letting go path but she ruined it somewhat by offering me her dresser…oh now I’ve got to consider it and the possibilities of where it could go. I’ve still not sorted out the furniture collecting, obviously. But it’s all a jolly good start and I’ve got some new updated stuff coming from eBay this week to replace all the worn out stuff I inherited years ago.

Well I didn’t say I was going to achieve this overnight and anyway, minimalism isn’t about living with tatty stuff! Justify, justify. I’ll get over it one day.

Shopping Junkie

Over and under


a pink moon and pink bamboo on a lake original acrylic painting by uk artist phoebe thomasson

How to not be angry with Stuff


Before we start, and I want to be quick, this is not a prescriptive. I plain don’t know how not to be angry. It’s really a question that I intend to answer myself.

Ok so meditation does help but if I don’t do it then I don’t get the calm buzz. Thing is, I’ve been getting angry about lots of things and they all seem pretty stupid like messy kitchen, living room, landing, garden…hmm; seems to me that I really am allergic to mess, chaos and clutter. Good job I’m learning to be a minimalist isn’t it? I’ve got miles to go and I just can’t seem to stop buying clothes. I’m truly addicted to eBay. What’s wrong with me?

I despair at myself at times, and when I run out of despair for myself I can find plenty of others to despair at. It’s a hideous mindset; I really hate it. I don’t want to be hung up on external things forever like they really matter because surely they don’t matter that much because they don’t really exist. It’s all just a load of old space and emptiness.

Did I mention I’ve been studying Buddhism, and the Buddhists really get this. I mean, they can explain emptiness like no other explanation on earth. It’s really something! ha. Nothing is not nothing.

So why does it all have such an effect on me? Stuff. You know! It’s still quite a mystery to me why I get so wound up about it. It’s like I become hooked on cleaning, and it’s satisfying for a while, while it’s clean. BUT then it becomes messy again and I just go berserk after a while because I just can’t keep up with it all. AND it becomes messy FAR quicker than it gets sorted out! Why is this? Decay and Chaos are predispositions for life it seems. We’re all destined to have our cellular structures, so neatly put together at the start, gradually pulled apart and mashed into chaos pulp no sooner than we hit 30 and then it’s …oh, this is sounding so negative. I’m sorry. Gracious me, what a tangled web this stuff creates in me.

I need a remedy. A new mindset….hmmm.


NO rhyme nor reason. Just changin’ with the season.

Letting flow. Letting go, go, go…(to bed)

I’ve got to let this stuff be easy, breezy, japaneezy.

I’ll try it tomorrow. NOTHING is going to disturb my equanimity and lest I become hoisted by my own petard (what IS that?~I love it) I shall let you know how I got on.

Knight Knight

Serenity Incarnate


Definately defining definition defiantly

Ok. So I’m obsessed with definitions. Like the sharp edge of a leaf silhouetted against the twilight sky.

The question came in response to a post on friendstream; good old Desiderata.

“Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in these changing fortunes of time.”

Todays meditation, children, is on Career. What constitutes a Career and how do we see ourselves in the roles that a Career entails?

Do I have a Career even if it makes no money or is that essentially a Vocation? (or Hobby?).

I love and do not love my Career as an artist. Sometimes it makes no sense to me why I paint at all, but the urge to do so remains as if compelled by deeper forces. What am I actually doing when I create a picture and how is this a worthy career? If other people like my work is it more valid or does it have autonomy from the opinions of others, even me; existing in its own right?

Phoebe Thomasson

Career; (1.) Swift course, impetus (in full, mid etc ~); course or progress through life; development and success of party, principle, nation, etc; Way of making a livelihood (a~ diplomat, a professional); hence ~IST  3. n. one intent mainly on personal advancement and success in life. (2.) V.I, Go swiftly or wildly (often about). [f. F Carriere f. lt. -iera f. ROM. etc.

From The Concise Oxford Dictionary

Well, that answers my question on many levels. So. A career isn’t necessarily about, but does include a way through life as a ‘professional’ (which is a term that demands awholenother meditation so we won’t go there). We all know what that means for now.

So, lets explore some of these definitions as related, for argument’s sake, to my Art ‘career’.

To let you in on the process here, I’m often very disparaging about my art/painting (at least internally; I think I’m making some of the right noises on the outside but this archetypal negativity and wet blanketing is still deeply set). I often put it {my painting} down as nothing much important and it must often play second fiddle to the rest of my life whilst the rest of me is shouting to bring it up in the priority levels; seemingly it’s a conflict zone in there. Then I wonder why I feel so blocked. The blocks are never much about subject matter; there is always plenty of that floating round my brain. I think it’s more to do with m…m….m….I can hardly say it…go on…alright; motivation! That is, if you believe, as I think I do, that clear motivation comes from good definition of why you are doing it in the first place.

There. No really, can it be that simple. Yes, but, no.  See this is such a big subject I can hardly scrape the surface here in this limited time/space.  I digress.

What I am looking for is a more appropriate view with which to see my creative endeavors for as I can now say ‘my career’ with some certainty I feel I need to give proper credence to this travelling companion who has ofttimes charted my ‘course or progress through life‘.  I love this definition and it entirely suits my purpose for this thought stream because I am looking for v…v…validation in what I do!  Here’s why; because I see it as more than a Hobby (although when I look at this definition~

Hobby n. favorite subject or occupation that is not one’s main business;

~I am not certain that it does not qualify as one of those either!)…It’s certainly not a business after all and I find that word distasteful still after all my years of trying it out in relation to my creations, even if it {business} is said to be growing some ‘heart’. I still doubt that. It is still another term that sounds wrong.  Perhaps ‘hobbyist’ is a kinder more friendly term which takes any pressure off (I’m a closet workaholic who hasn’t really found the door; only to Narnia).  I don’t like pressure, it sends me barmy where for some it is their salve and their stimulation.

Whoa. This is heavier than I thought. I need a break.

{Takes a break}

I’m back but it’s too late to continue this. This is actually something I started the other week when we were in Orkney and I’ve got a can of worms to munch through here. All good stuff. Lets see what tomorrow brings. I’m going to career off into bed now.

Nighty Night.

The Weaning Process Of Life

Anyone who has ever been a devoted breastfeeding mum will probably relate to this easily but I think this may be relevent to many more such scenarios so bear this one out if you will.

Weaning     This is not a straightforward process. What in life is? If it’s a process at all it usually involves many convoluted twists and turns, backs and fills and sometimes the odd devil’s Switchback.

Like any process I am finding the only way to keep my head above the choppy waters of chaos is to really live in the moment and in my feeling body, not my thinking head.

I am learning (finally) that the head, or the thinking self at least, wherever that’s really located, is great when it comes to following prescriptive routes to a destination; turn left at the corner shop and go straight on till you come to a white office building etc.

However, when it comes to matters of timing, especially with a little one who has no mood filter, control management or desire modulator, it’s a whole new ball game.

Just like the ones you used to play throwing the ball against the wall, you never quite knew the angle it would ping next when it hits a different brick or paving slab.

Every throw is different, every catch unique and if you remember it took a lot of mindful attention in order to keep catching and throwing the ball in some sort of rhythm without losing momentum.

Becoming Minimalist

The same goes for my process toward minimalism.

There is no way I’m going to get there in a straight line. Forget it! This is a deeply intuitive process that has no complete end goal in sight. Only an ideal.

How does that work? Well, by now I have done a few years work on defining my wants, my needs and my desires and now I’m onto the dirty work of actually letting stuff go, culling the excess and purging that which no longer suits, all of which is correct and tickety boo.

But oh is it a long drawn out affair for me.  The clothing pile has once again appeared on the landing floor and I’ve actually arranged a car boot with my friend who is accompanying me in the purging process. I’m only doing it if it’s not raining (we both agree on this) and if I can’t get out of bed that early then, well, back to the charity shops.

I have a nasty habit of putting stuff out to be ‘donated’ and not doing it immediately (it’s Sunday, or half past four…whatever) and the clothes suddenly look oh so attractive and I find a use for them for the first time in 15 years! Yes I really do keep things forever. Entirely sentimental.

How are these things similar?

Well, inasmuch that they are both highly intuitive processes that involve a definite outcome (baby not on boob and clutter not in-house) but will take their time and winding ways to get there.  The processes both involve quite high degrees of emotional growth and resilience to avoid pitfalls and unwanted consequences of not following through (thirty year old having ‘bitty’ and living in paper mountain!).

Both processes, however, do have their natural progressions that would be hard to miss and thankfully nature will lend a big hand if I can simply trust the path that is opening before me as I step into the latest abyss.

Sometimes it’s as if, like Michael Jackson in his Billy Jean video, the way lights up beneath us, but only when we step on it!

I think there’s another song in there somewhere.

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