It’s been a tough week with one thing and another, you know how it is….you are on a high getting things done, enjoying company, organizing stuff, moving furniture, and mountains….y’know, the normal spring day when you feel like you could eat the hind leg off a donkey because it’s spring and you can’t get enough of anything….yeah, that kind of day. Well….
And then you come tumbling down of your mountain high…after you’ve just moved the damn thing, and your all torn up at the bottom, ripped to shreds by the fall and exhausted by the climb.
Also, there’s a boulder on your head the size of Colorado and you have only one finger left and you are pointing it at your nearest loved one because obviously they are the source of all your agony. Right?
You know the kind of day I mean?
It takes a while to manifest this kind of day. Weeks of preparation and a slow erosion of the carefully crafted diet, the creeping sleep deprivation and the feeding of the over-excitement devil with sugar laden commercial chocolate and stupid food like bread….yum.
No! BAD! very bad….oh and the beating…you gotta get a good beating or two….
Back to the painting then. And the walking. And the Primal diet and the early nights, and the expressing your feelings as they come up instead of putting them all into a bottle and chucking them overboard.
Well things have been really topsy turvy here for a while. That, my friends is a major understatement. I can’t tell you everything, but the chaos had been simply ubiquitous.
For starters, we’ve got the decorator in at the moment, giving the hallway a fresh lick of paint and new cupboards for hiding the accumulated flotsam and jetsam of life, which of course meant housing everything somewhere else in the house; the home improver’s nightmare!
Oh, and did I mention we already have a small four year old chaos producer living here full time…yeah, more on that in a minute.
Luckily, it’s now beginning to look great, with beautifully clean Indian white walls and subtle earthy greens and stone, it’s actually looking quite sleek. Which is great because the fresh paint will only add to the ambience of my up coming exhibition for Dorset Arts Week.
All are welcome!
But in the mean time coats, hats, scarves, tables, ornaments and toys have been littering my studio so I’ve been going slightly mad for the lack of creative work…
And as if that were’t enough to deal with for now…
The Bad News….
Meanwhile my four year old has managed to wipe my computer hard drive, losing me six months of work.
Sadly some of which is probably gone forever…video’s, photos and digital work….ughh! NO!!! I pleaded….this can’t be happening….but happen it did.
I must admit, I cried. I couldn’t believe it. All gone in a second. Why oh why didn’t we back up the system? I asked over and over….
I know why.
Head in the clouds…or head in the sand, one or the other!
What can I say?
I went into a bit of a rage and decided I would have nothing more to do with technology; after all it’s all time wasting garbage isn’t it!? Ha! (Clearly, it depends on where you are looking!)
But in reality can we really do without it in this day and age? Well, frankly, no. Not once you’ve tasted it’s fruits anyway and I need it for, well, this…and my art, and getting it out into the world.
I had to find another way to process this…
Art to the rescue. As ever, I thought.
The Art of Letting Go….
Sometimes Art teaches you how to let go. A lot of what I’ve learned in life is to do with letting go, and when that happens life gets interesting.
After the agony of loss, we can usually find a renewed respect for what we do have. This is usually a wake up call from the universe that tells us we really do have many blessings, and we’ve been sleep walking all along.
The Good News….
Since then, I’ve been out walking and running every day. In every weather.
I have quit smoking weed as an anti-depressant (I feel I can tell you this!) and ditched the need for therapy (and the recommended pills which I would not take).
I’ve started drinking shed loads of water which is working it’s magic, as well as cutting right down on salt (so I can grow some muscles).
I have tapped into my feel good energy and my natural high, which after four years of ME/CFS and depression is about the best news ever.
Disaster is the mother of Determination
I reckon, when I do get back to work, which is any day now, you had better watch out.
This is going to be high octane.
I’m taking no prisoners.
Come and see me and my eclectic abstract/figurative work from May 28 – June 12, 2016 (see website for more details).
Do you feel the motion in the air, the sense of change as the vibrations mesh, clash and realign?
You know that stuff is changing, is about to become apparent, is about to stun and amaze you, is about to manifest.
You’ve done the work right? You’ve bared your soul and cleansed your psyche of unwanted influences and bad thinking. Good. Then the rest is entirely out of your hands.
Bolster yourself. Get the things that make you happy (5HTP, new pants, cheese….) and set your rooms in order. (Hoover!!)
You are about to receive a visitation from the light. It returns with new energy and abundance, for you, for all.
The message is clear. Bide your time and keep your spirits up in whatever fashion you can reasonably manage.
The Solstice energies are gathering.
Now is the time to let go of the past. Make a gesture to your spirit/soul/guide, whatever you call it. Just tell it out loud that you want to be happy this year, that you are willing to do what it takes to give yourself that gift.
If you’ve not made friends with yourself yet, tell yourself to your face in the mirror ‘I love you’. Don’t hold back looking at yourself. Exactly as you are…ageing and less pretty than yesterday….’I love you’.
Let go of the need to seek approval and talk kindly to yourself now in the wee small hours when you are besieged with anxiety.
You are loved, no matter what. But no-one, I repeat NO-ONE is spared from the Dark Night….no matter their beauty or wealth or popularity. If you can see this with your own knowing eyes, then you can truly see our equality.
This is the Solstice message given to me to pass on to you.
You know the one. The impenetrable bricks and mortar one, not the flimsy version that you can dissolve with a thought. No this is almost like hitting your mortality in the face.
I had to have a crazy scribble on the paper then run off to the loo for a little cry then escape for a coffee and a chat with Sarah.
Thank god I know what it’s all about. It’s almost certainly one symptom of burn out. I’ve been moving the house around, including the studio. I’ve also been watching other artist’s at work and simultaneously getting inspired and dejected.
The comparison game is deadly for sure.
My wall tonight was composed of the following elements:
I can’t do this
I am not able to be this ‘artist’ thing
I’m not flowing tonight
I’m in my head
I can’t do this
I am crap…..
…you get the picture. Not very inspiring stuff to have in your head. I really do have a lot to learn, and that’s ok. You never stop learning art. Same as life, no different, but I do know one thing; I am learning how to know when to stop and what to do when I’m stopped.
It’s such a relief to go “You know what. There is no pressure but my own here, I can get off whenever I want to. It’s supposed to be fun!”
And that’s where I started the night. With the intent to have fun. I did. I got to talk to fellow artists, and you know what? They all understood, in their own version, what I meant, what had happened and shared a little bit more.
That’s it in a nut shell really. Being vulnerable enough to let it out, let it out and let other’s in.
It appears an unfortunate fact that the more I fly free in my ways, and embrace my powers of intellect and conversation, that the effect produced within you is one of insecurity and an appearance of being squashed. Hence the ability to relax and enjoy company whilst feeling thus threatened is marred and overshadowed by ones habitual response in blaming the other for being not desirable In ones behaviour. In you I perceive a disapproval that is brought forth by your struggles to stay connected to a flowing river of words that spew forth from my mouth, which has upon me the effect to feel further in the wrong way of things and defensive of my position as free woman enjoying my respect given freely by friends, but not by you, although you would argue otherwise because though the effects of my [not at you] focus are to feel like a [dis-empowerment], you are at once stuck in your own conundrum whether and how to extract yourself from said feeling of diminished comfort and confidence into a blame that would be inappropriate given the very nature of blame which is to shut down the other with a label of wrongness attached. I know you do not seek to fetter me but there must be some compensation for you in a night’s accommodation of friends whom you must also enjoy the company of so it comes to that which I can only say that I shamelessly dominated the said conversation [the night] and you being of more altruistic nature let me take centre stage with little regard for your own well-being. In this I can only fault you for your lack of confidence against my domination and say that without your countering me I will most willingly hold court without recourse to your opinion in any matter should you choose to allow me without interruption or battle for place. Or feel confident in my love for you which you plainly do not, in the absence of affection which you cannot.
Or I could just shut the fuck up and listen to YOU!
Hello! It’s time to meet you and give you an idea from whence I come, what I am about and what I want to cover in my Art & Healing video diaries. I can’t promise any regularity but there will be more videos along the way as I can find little windows; as you may know, I’m a busy mum recovering from ME/CFS…so hang with me a minute and see how I am healing my world.
“Healing is deeply needed in the world right now, and art is an extremely powerful way to make that happen; it’s very enjoyable, and anyone can do it!”
It’s a whole new world. I’ve relaunched for 2015 my status as a professional artist. There is much work in many areas to do before I hit the sweet spot, but armed with my new-found business acumen and determination, creative inspiration and an amazing team behind me I think this time things will rock and roll.
I’ve invested heavily this season in new equipment and stuff that is going to help me along; it is no mean feat being a full-time mummy and an artist and I’ve been perilously close to the edge of burnout (again) recently, which is scary with my history (ME/CFS). But this time (as opposed to 2003) I have so many blessings on my side. Okay, I am having to work harder than usual to break through the blocks to progress which includes becoming a bit of a boring fart so that I can focus. Going to bed early is something of an acquired taste for me but essential to overall performance.
So why was I up at 5.30 this morning? Pure excitement. Not only do I have a spanking new Word Press platform to play with (and work out how the hell to pull it all together) I have a new laptop on the way. The new beast is for rendering videos that chart my studio progress in 2015 which I will post on You Tube as soon as we configure the new system and put everything together.
Have a stonking Solstice season with everything in it you are hoping for, and I hope you will join me again soon!