This pain, not physical so no one can see
it’s why I wear a glum face for lunch
depression my guest today
welcome in I say
I feel I have no choice
but to let her in and have her way
the black dog
comes and throws up
over the carpet
barking at me the details
of how sad my life is
no recourse to the facts
are they the real reality anyway?
I cannot tell
the black dog is large
and taking up all my attention
I am angry but feel powerless
drained of vitality
it only took thirty minutes to arrive
when outside the sun beats
spring cool breeze coiling
I should feel happy
the black dog looks up
her owner I spy in the corner
she’s dressed in black
perennial widow of the world
she’s the voice and persona
of scornful mourning
she laughs and agrees
yes your world is so sad
so sad you shall be.
No! I think
I run to the computer
my thoughts ordered by print
it’s logic that I need
she leaves sashaying
whistle between teeth
black dog follows
leaving a small pile of hair
on the sofa.
Gone, for now
she’ll be back
am I prepared?
11th April 2015
Recovery isn’t all about getting better. It’s also about adjusting, changing, accepting and releasing. We can need multiple processes to happen before we start to feel better in the way we desire to.
Just to give you an idea how this applies in the real world here is an insight into my current little drama.
Somehow, due to numerous factors I’ve manage to put my back out good and proper. I’ve been to the chiropractor and there is a loosening in process. I think in terms of blocked energy because after years of practical healing and recovery from multiple things, I now know it counts, and is real. Think life force/prana/chi or whatever vibes with you.
OK. So I identified my little psychological process that has been activated into my awareness. Here it is and goes something like this.
- long term illness means you are cut off from previous modes of functioning.
- we adjust our world accordingly and create our own alternatives.
- life becomes a reflection of our ‘own little world’.
- we recover! yay!
- we come up against the need to ‘re-enter’ the rest of the world or the ‘real’ version of it.
- we resist because we quite like it here.
- we know this world and have lost the ability to be anything else so why not just stay?
- we create something else to distract us from the growth process.
- more pain!
- yay! pain works a treat…it’s a different part of the body which is quite a change, I think I can continue to be dysfunctional after all!
- Wait a minute! did I just say that?
- Goddam it…I’m going to beat this things too!
- And so we strive….
Onward we go and heal the next malady. But did we stop to consider why we create all this hassle? Here’s one perspective, for when you are into having a philosophical musing…
I believe illness teaches us more about compassion, resilience, tenacity, honesty, strength, weakness, reaching out, friends, loved ones, family, challenges, love, life and humanity than being a super-I-never-get-sick kind of guy ever will.
My dad was one of those and within a year he was dead with Cancer.
I’m ok with my bad back thanks…at least I’m alive.