Opening up to the places inside that have been shut away for so long.
Making faces at the fears that now uncover their subversive intentions to derail me from my truth.
I am not there yet;
The fears still serve as my protection.
Protection from what?
I wonder… if not the memories of past times when that massive energy overwhelmed me in it’s force and ferocity, taking me down into depths I never knew existed, into negativities so colossal that I was drowning….?
That was before.
That is the past.
The time is now; I recognise these things in their true form.
Thoughts that have become tram lines in my heart and head; my body merely responding to the vibrations being offered up from universal source; (some are bigger and better conduits than others), and for so long I was hearing the Voice in a solitary confinement of my own.
Pressure from without would keep me in my place, the place where other’s fears are not jarred or stirred, and when I broke free it was like all volcanoes erupting at once.
But that was then…
Now a memory.
This is now…
How is it now? Really?
Is it like a spring rain, for the first time warm again on the inside?
Is it like a water fountain of release, bubbling and flowing inside of your deepest parts?
Is it like a place so sublime that you can hardly hold it for the embarrassment of riches it now yields?
Is it like a formless being inhabiting your very body?
I seek nourishment; because I am wired to; They help me know myself…They are delicious, food, natures medicine, full of nutrients, sunlight and vital forces…
Because I am Eve.
It is my lot to love an Apple!
Because from the Dawn of Time
I have known Apples to be
the source of my existence
and this is my sin!
My confusion, my knowing
that blocks out the One Central Thing
that makes me cover myself in shame;
The thing is
that I forgot that The Apple is NOT GOD; but the fruit of knowing God in man!
But I must learn this lesson well;
for many years, have I been deluded
By God; that Father,
God, that Son,
and I… The Ghost!
the mere ghost…
I set myself to wandering
alone in the desert,
no mortal man to hold me;
Inviolable, untouchable in my torment.
I sought for the apple tree within
and found only you, you and
But you are NOT GOD
So how can I be SO mistaken?
So I know GOD through Apples
but do I know, can I know GOD
directly, by my own lights?
Can I come, finally, naked
open handed, surrendered
God, I looked for you everywhere
But I found only Apples!
They are sweet but they are not you,
and I am mere Mortal;
Wounded and seeking
This Apple would only feed me
for so long, but I seek
life eternal, life beyond life
I seek your Source now;
I no longer seek Apples.
They are what they are;
They appear, are eaten
or being eaten by other insects
and I feel abundant.
But there is only one
The Apple Tree itself belongs to You!
March 28th 2017
I wrote this after a long and painful night letting go my attachment to a friend. I love him dearly but it is not time for us to go beyond the simplicity of friendship. I accept this, though it hurts me greatly. I’m sure the pain is cleansing. Ouch. Healing HURTS!!!
Earlier in the day whilst we were hanging out he looked for a bag of apples and couldn’t find them. Later he told me he had found them after all. I said I wanted his apple! Ha! Anyway, we played with the metaphor of apples representing men… and he asked my why I loved apples so much?
I had to pause and really think about this one, (hence the title) and the depth I found was actually quite religious in it’s tone. Quite. I thought, yes! This love with attachment is what hurts. It would do me well to reconnect with my source energy and stop mooning over him like he would be all the answers to my emptiness. Maybe he would be for a while, but then, when I’ve eaten his flesh and sucked him dry… then what…?
Do you feel the motion in the air, the sense of change as the vibrations mesh, clash and realign?
You know that stuff is changing, is about to become apparent, is about to stun and amaze you, is about to manifest.
You’ve done the work right? You’ve bared your soul and cleansed your psyche of unwanted influences and bad thinking. Good. Then the rest is entirely out of your hands.
Bolster yourself. Get the things that make you happy (5HTP, new pants, cheese….) and set your rooms in order. (Hoover!!)
You are about to receive a visitation from the light. It returns with new energy and abundance, for you, for all.
The message is clear. Bide your time and keep your spirits up in whatever fashion you can reasonably manage.
The Solstice energies are gathering.
Now is the time to let go of the past. Make a gesture to your spirit/soul/guide, whatever you call it. Just tell it out loud that you want to be happy this year, that you are willing to do what it takes to give yourself that gift.
If you’ve not made friends with yourself yet, tell yourself to your face in the mirror ‘I love you’. Don’t hold back looking at yourself. Exactly as you are…ageing and less pretty than yesterday….’I love you’.
Let go of the need to seek approval and talk kindly to yourself now in the wee small hours when you are besieged with anxiety.
You are loved, no matter what. But no-one, I repeat NO-ONE is spared from the Dark Night….no matter their beauty or wealth or popularity. If you can see this with your own knowing eyes, then you can truly see our equality.
This is the Solstice message given to me to pass on to you.
I’m getting really good at wading through emotional, mental and cognitive shit. Somehow I am surviving and coming out the other side better than before I went in. It feels amazing!
Wading through shit…that’s called being human; it’s what we do…
The wading process appears to be feeding me. In a way it’s part of who I am and how I function; to get into a mess, and have to figure a way through.
The shit wading process brings out all sorts of character traits; the lover of challenges and the inventor of approaches, the researcher of ideas and the consoler of lost dreams. It’s all there.
I love it!!!….even though I hate being in it.
I must do because I keep attracting it!
Probably something like you.
The important question to ask ourselves is whether we are sinking, floating, or wading, and why?
I’ve learnt a lot recently from friends and family, books and other things…
I’ve learnt that I often get so caught up in my own head that I forget to listen and that really pisses people off.
I’ve learnt that selfishness isn’t as bad as it’s cracked up to be and in fact is grossly misunderstood as a term.
I’ve learnt that putting others first can be detrimental to your health when you are ‘sacrificing’ your own needs. I don’t like martyrs and neither should you.
I’ve learnt that it’s OK to be a pain in the ass…sometimes; as long as there is a good reason, and you are aware of it. Otherwise you are just being an ass-hole and acting from your emotional baggage.
Sometimes we’ve just got to focus on ourselves for a while, or for ever. Sometimes we have to be selfish, or ‘concerned with our own interests‘ in order to function right. If we don’t function within the bounds of our own nature, then we are unhappy humans trying to be a shape we are not.
I am now debunking all sorts of old programming that would have me trying to fit into a square hole, when obviously I’m round.
They don’t make round squares, or square circles….
So I was never really a square after all; just a repressed and terrified round thing with no inner sense of direction. That’s modern life for you.
Fuck you! modern life for making me scared….deep down, you know what I’m talking about….right?
These are lonely times, and it’s acceptable to use whatever we can at our disposal, within reason, to help us through.
Loneliness is a killer and it’s imperative to master the art of vulnerability and reach out through the walls of our partitioned lives and into one another’s hearts and minds. Trust me, it’s not as bad as you think!
Reaching out always makes me feel better immediately, even if no-one replies, it’s that act of courage that makes all the difference. If there is a loving and friendly reply, then so much the better, but it’s the reaching out that counts.
But we want to feel heard too.
I am done with guilt and shame for needing certain things, and for my weaknesses.
I am now striving to find, and live in, my zone of genius (see Gay Hendricks for more on that).
I am working on finding my S.E.L.F. (Super, Elegant, Loving, Force)
To intimately know the S.E.L.F. and to accept it…perchance to…well, love it, is hard work!!
To live as the Super Elegant Loving Force that we truly are, requires some kind of surrender, the choice to do so, and the dropping of much baggage, just because we can. It’s an art, for sure.
Some of it can only be done in thought, carefully picking our way through our faulty assumptions about life.
what is all the fuss about? why are artists worth so much in some circles of life and worth so little in others?
the answer is quite clear. and it’s not remotely to do with some magical mysterious talent…though it helps.
it’s about love.
yeah. and this applies to us all. artists happen to be some of the first in line to feel the edge of evolution. we go out on a limb so to speak, and bring back the psychic bacon…the soul food for nourishment of all.
we are arbiters of change and flying shamans. we are cosy in our bubbles where we see the cosmic dance played out before our inner retinas.
we put our visions down, fresh from the universal soup into some kind of reason upon canvas with all manner of colours and textures.
and those of us who know how to allow ourselves to love this weird thing that we do, know how to thrive. we are juicy and full of life because we’ve invested in our spiritual connection.
an artists job is merely to remind you who you are.
you are all the paintings and beautiful sunsets throughout time.
you are the dew drop on petal and the cold glint on metal.
you are light and being beyond this physical appearance, mere density of vibration.
a painting then, is like a map. if it resonates with you then it is yours to cherish.
talk to the artist. she wants to serve you. she wants to enliven your world with the visions she incubates.