Go Through, Gatekeeper. Go Through!

I feel like I shouldn’t be this comfortable or confident;
I feel like my life is a wreck and I am doing everything wrong!
‘You are’ said the voice.
What do I do with That!? I ask myself (not wanting to fight).
You cannot fight it.

Right or wrong, I guess I want a phantom;
I want something I do not know.
I see things based on evidence and intuition.
So you could say that yes, I am day dreaming my future into being,
Where as others, are dreaming themselves into oblivion.

You ARE the gate keeper;
You can see things how ever you like,
But you only see the dreams of those who pass through your door.

It is time to dream your own dream.

If our ways are supposed to part, then it will be from your strong desire;
I have no desire to leave or destroy.
I seek only to build, repair and develop.
I seek only to know the future I have never experienced,
Not to repeat the pasts that I have.
I seek to make amends, to adapt and evolve.
I seek to expand upon what I have and keep for myself a stable base from which to spread my wings.

If you wish to be part of my world then visualize yourself there.
Do not leave your dreams in the grip of negative presuppositions.
You neither know the way, or can predict its results unless you dream the way yourself.

It is time to invest in your own dreams and stop merely holding the doors for others without passing through.
Don’t let life pass you by by grasping at it.
You must enter it.
You must leave all past behind and let it serve merely as a guide, not a beacon.
Your beacon should be your own dream
Not that of others.

Phoebe Thomasson
Dorchester, Dorset
Feb 15th 2016


Sometimes, things only strike you as obvious when you have been through a crisis and all your doors of perception are open.

How many times have we encountered ourselves and others as merely the gatekeepers to the dreams of others.

When are we going to finally own up to the individuality that sets us apart from everyone else on the planet and be courageous enough to embrace it fully.

I think I ask myself this every day.

I get stuck on the how’s but hey, I’m doing it, even though I haven’t a clue how.



Hitting The Wall

Tonight I hit the wall.

You know the one. The impenetrable bricks and mortar one, not the flimsy version that you can dissolve with a thought. No this is almost like hitting your mortality in the face.

I had to have a crazy scribble on the paper then run off to the loo for a little cry then escape for a coffee and a chat with Sarah.

Thank god I know what it’s all about. It’s almost certainly one symptom of burn out. I’ve been moving the house around, including the studio. I’ve also been watching other artist’s at work and simultaneously getting inspired and dejected.

The comparison game is deadly for sure.

My wall tonight was composed of the following elements:

  1. I can’t do this
  2. I am not able to be this ‘artist’ thing
  3. I’m not flowing tonight
  4. I’m in my head
  5. I can’t do this
  6. I am crap…..

…you get the picture. Not very inspiring stuff to have in your head. I really do have a lot to learn, and that’s ok. You never stop learning art. Same as life, no different, but I do know one thing; I am learning how to know when to stop and what to do when I’m stopped.

It’s such a relief to go “You know what. There is no pressure but my own here, I can get off whenever I want to. It’s supposed to be fun!”

And that’s where I started the night. With the intent to have fun. I did. I got to talk to fellow artists, and you know what? They all understood, in their own version, what I meant, what had happened and shared a little bit more.

That’s it in a nut shell really. Being vulnerable enough to let it out, let it out and let other’s in.

I never used to do that.

I have grown. I am happy with that.

Messy, Messy, Messed up…

Well I’ve royally messed myself up today! I’ve eaten a load of ‘banned’ foods in the space of 24 hours and am now in an immense amount of pain.

I’ve been following the AutoImmune Protocol (AIP) for months now with amazing results. On a well behaved day now I am totally pain free.

I had years of undiagnosed pelvic/abdominal pain that led me to various therapies and dietary protocols, but none have worked like the AIP.

I went Primal/Paleo about a year ago and it was pretty much an instantaneous transformation.

Now I know the inflammatory properties of grains, legumes, vegetable oils and STRESS…all of which I regularly indulged in thinking they were part of a healthy diet and at least something I could do nothing about.

So going Paleo was the first enlightened step for me, giving me the energy to start my healing from ME/CFS. The next part which was the home run was going AIP.

The AutoImmune Protocol is hardcore. There’s no doubt about it. On top of cutting out all the above foods I quit nuts, seeds, pasteurized dairy, cheese and eggs.

Miraculously the rest of the gut inflammation cleared up in a matter of days. 

I started in earnest on the fermented foods; instead of snacking I would have glass after glass of Kefir, and after tea a glass of Kombucha.

These fermented beverages have been my saviours because they are not only very healing to the gut lining, providing much needed friendly cultures, but they are robust enough, taste wise to kill my cravings for naughty carbs.

In a nutshell, I just binged on what I know re-ignites the inflammatory response. Seeds, nuts, grain crackers, cheese…ooops!

My question remains, as I roll through one more episode…

Why do we sabotage ourselves?

But that’s another post for another day!

I hope you are thriving!

photo of a strip of light on foliage by phoebe thomasson

What Does Being in Balance Mean?

It might be easier to start with what it doesn’t mean…

  1. It doesn’t mean being ‘perfect’; either our generic idea of what perfect ‘is’ and ‘does’ or what our culture may laud as the present ‘perfection’.
  2. It is not about being a model, physically or otherwise.
  3. It does not mean unchanging or static, unresponsive, dogmatic, programmed or reactive.

So from this we can more easily see that it does mean…

  1. Being the best of what we, personally, are capable of being at any given moment with respect to our personal attributes, circumstances, conditions and predilections.
  2. Fulfilling our own criteria for ‘goodness’ and ‘decency’ that may not depend on any external source of approval or expectation.
  3. Constant and consistent adjustment to each new moment’s challenge, each event or situation.
  4. Being flexible and intelligent as we may have to compensate as we create new patterns moving forward.

Key words:


Perhaps this is why we so look up to the artists in our culture. They actively practice living and being these attributes. That is what being an artist is about. That’s not to say that artist’s are perfect (remember!) but they do demonstrate how to be, for maximum joy and fulfilment on planet earth. The artist spends her time mimicking and maintaining the rhythms of growth and renewal as set out for us by the natural world.

NATURE! There is our muse. Keep an eye on the seasons and get a feel for the cyclic patterns. This is our blueprint for balance.

Definately defining definition defiantly

Ok. So I’m obsessed with definitions. Like the sharp edge of a leaf silhouetted against the twilight sky.

The question came in response to a post on friendstream; good old Desiderata.

“Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in these changing fortunes of time.”

Todays meditation, children, is on Career. What constitutes a Career and how do we see ourselves in the roles that a Career entails?

Do I have a Career even if it makes no money or is that essentially a Vocation? (or Hobby?).

I love and do not love my Career as an artist. Sometimes it makes no sense to me why I paint at all, but the urge to do so remains as if compelled by deeper forces. What am I actually doing when I create a picture and how is this a worthy career? If other people like my work is it more valid or does it have autonomy from the opinions of others, even me; existing in its own right?

Phoebe Thomasson

Career; (1.) Swift course, impetus (in full, mid etc ~); course or progress through life; development and success of party, principle, nation, etc; Way of making a livelihood (a~ diplomat, a professional); hence ~IST  3. n. one intent mainly on personal advancement and success in life. (2.) V.I, Go swiftly or wildly (often about). [f. F Carriere f. lt. -iera f. ROM. etc.

From The Concise Oxford Dictionary

Well, that answers my question on many levels. So. A career isn’t necessarily about, but does include a way through life as a ‘professional’ (which is a term that demands awholenother meditation so we won’t go there). We all know what that means for now.

So, lets explore some of these definitions as related, for argument’s sake, to my Art ‘career’.

To let you in on the process here, I’m often very disparaging about my art/painting (at least internally; I think I’m making some of the right noises on the outside but this archetypal negativity and wet blanketing is still deeply set). I often put it {my painting} down as nothing much important and it must often play second fiddle to the rest of my life whilst the rest of me is shouting to bring it up in the priority levels; seemingly it’s a conflict zone in there. Then I wonder why I feel so blocked. The blocks are never much about subject matter; there is always plenty of that floating round my brain. I think it’s more to do with m…m….m….I can hardly say it…go on…alright; motivation! That is, if you believe, as I think I do, that clear motivation comes from good definition of why you are doing it in the first place.

There. No really, can it be that simple. Yes, but, no.  See this is such a big subject I can hardly scrape the surface here in this limited time/space.  I digress.

What I am looking for is a more appropriate view with which to see my creative endeavors for as I can now say ‘my career’ with some certainty I feel I need to give proper credence to this travelling companion who has ofttimes charted my ‘course or progress through life‘.  I love this definition and it entirely suits my purpose for this thought stream because I am looking for v…v…validation in what I do!  Here’s why; because I see it as more than a Hobby (although when I look at this definition~

Hobby n. favorite subject or occupation that is not one’s main business;

~I am not certain that it does not qualify as one of those either!)…It’s certainly not a business after all and I find that word distasteful still after all my years of trying it out in relation to my creations, even if it {business} is said to be growing some ‘heart’. I still doubt that. It is still another term that sounds wrong.  Perhaps ‘hobbyist’ is a kinder more friendly term which takes any pressure off (I’m a closet workaholic who hasn’t really found the door; only to Narnia).  I don’t like pressure, it sends me barmy where for some it is their salve and their stimulation.

Whoa. This is heavier than I thought. I need a break.

{Takes a break}

I’m back but it’s too late to continue this. This is actually something I started the other week when we were in Orkney and I’ve got a can of worms to munch through here. All good stuff. Lets see what tomorrow brings. I’m going to career off into bed now.

Nighty Night.